I won't be posting here much anymore; I've lost all motivation, but I figure to all of those people who show up and read this that don't leave comments, you will know why I'm not posting anymore. I know that there's a few people who aren't following me who read this con a consistent basis, because my counter tells me so; so it's all for you; a goodbye.
Recently, I've been feeling fairly down and pretty broken because the love of my life has found other things to do. Before I go any further, I will not tolerate any badmouthing about her, I won't like if any of you say something like "You're better off without her"; I'm not. How do I know? Did you ever just know something? It's like that. I love her, I always will, nothing will ever change it.
To start; I'm somehow sure that she's told many of her friends about it, and they haven't even gotten the whole story so it looks like I'm the bad guy. That is not to say that she is the bad guy, but that she may have made me out to be the one who caused everything. I'll try to explain the entire situation as best I can, from a neutral standpoint. That is to say that, I don't know what she was thinking at any of these times, so I can not be completely accurate. I'll start from the present and work my way back.
Today, I sent her an e-mail saying how things have looked to me, how her actions and words have made me feel distant and how she seems to have done nothing to help it. Yes, it was a long distance relationship so it took so much more work to make it work. We kept this relationship moving, regardless of how slow or little, for a year and a half. The plan was becoming that I end up in Belgium with her so that we could take this relationship to the lengths we've talked and dreamed about. I started to doubt that it would happen about a month and a half ago, when it felt like she was losing interest in me. (Yes, it hurts to be writing this, I'm coming down to tears, but I don't know who else to tell than the people who are interested in my writing.) Anyway; last week she spent the week rushing up her outfits so that she could go to an expo in London. She spent the entire week sewing and working to make sure the outfits would get finished. For that, i commend her, that takes a lot of dedication. But whenever I would try to talk to her, the conversation; after no more than 20 minutes; came down to "I have to get back to sewing." So of course, what does that mean? I should leave her alone. The hint was pretty obvious. However, she did manage to have time to talk to other people throughout her sewing on IRC; which is a wonderful chat service by the way. She found time to talk to them concerning a game; MapleStory; although it was a private server so people were less restricted to what they could do, and it was a small community so it became easy to know everyone. She would find time to go play the game, even though it was just several minutes, but didn't have time to talk to me. Not to mention that since the beginning of this month and for many weeks further, she never spoke to me unless I initiated the conversation, and I have conversation logs to prove this.
Anyway; she went to the London Expo, and would've been gone this entire weekend. Not getting back until late Sunday. But then she decides to go on a tour of the UK with friends. Add that to the previous week of her barely talking to me, and the idea that she thinks about me, us, and the thought that she loves me, has become blurred a hefty amount. Is it too much to want to feel loved once in a while? To just get some attention to myself? Or does the attention I can get always have to be split between friends?
Before you all go on and start thinking she's to blame for everything; I do have many faults of my own. Although many of you may not know it, I have tremendous trust issues, 'specially when it comes to relationships. None of my relationships have ended on a positive note, and they were pretty much all ended with me being heartbroken because my other did something completely detestable and untrustworthy. Tie into that, the fact that my family doesn't trust me at all because I have a past of stealing. However no one seems to give you room to change, right? They expect what they want to because... I don't even know. My family has dreams and goals for me, and if I don't reach those, I become nothing, and get yelled at. So I've decided that maybe I should just be what everyone thinks I should be. I have a tenacious habit of speaking the truth, knowing people won't believe me, even if I do. What can I say; people don't like the truth when it comes from a bad guy, so the truth gets changed. I suppose I should go back to the way things were, and just lie. But change so much, and lie so hard that my lies become the truth. More on the subject at hand; I have felt that she has been dishonest with me on many occasions, I'd say half of them are justified while the others are just me being paranoid. But I know that it made her feel bad because I know what it feels like to not be trusted. I have a habit of being clingy when something benefits me; and because she was everything I wanted and needed at the time, I clung to her and she hates it when people get clingy. Something that changed, because she hated it so much is that; I used to stick to my words. What I mean by that is; I went EXACTLY by what was said, and would do whatever I had to do to do what was said but twist everything else so that it befitted me. I had to stop that because she hated it when I did that; it drove her insane and she would try to pick out what I would say and make me promise that I would do what she was expecting, not what I or she said.
I'm sure there are many more faults of mine, but since she can also read this, I think she'll make an appearance and say what those are.
She said she likes to manipulate people; so maybe I was just being manipulated. I don't know, but if that is what it took to feel good, then I don't care. Many months ago she used to sing to me. She would sing a particular song that would show me how much she cared. It showed me that she loved me. It was a time when she had no problem saying something like "I'm going to spend time with you today; no one else. So let's have fun!" She used to do things like that, although she wouldn't say those words, but I knew it because she literally spent all her time with me those days, there was no time for anyone else. Our love was at its peak in those times. We could've done anything and it didn't matter because we had each other. And all of you know; I'm a pain in the ass for promises. And she promised me so many things. So instead of being an asshole, and dismissing them or saying she won't hold up to them; I'll wait and see if they come true. She promised that we'll be together forever; in fact she was the first one to say that. So maybe this will work out somehow. You all know of the few months we were apart during the last summer, so maybe it'll be like that. Or maybe I'm holding on to false dreams. Well these dreams make me happy so I'll hold on to them for at long as I live. I love that girl. She could make me smile when I didn't want to. She could push the world out of view and move my vision to just her and I. I know she still cares to some point because she wouldn't have waited this long just for me to break it up, if she didn't love me. So I don't know what's going on in her head but if she was willing to still hold my hand and yell that she loves me from the highest points on the planet so everyone could hear, I'll stay open to that chance.
Shana was my inspiration for just about everything. She's the one who made me believe in impossibles. She made me realize that the world has something better to offer than bullshit and broken dreams. So in a way; yeah, I'm sort of begging for her to come back. But, that's not the right thing to do. I cause her so much trouble and it's because I'm afraid of her doing something that would cost us the relationship. But I know that staying in a relationship where you don't feel loved and you don't get any attention isn't one to stay in. I would still do anything for her, and I still want to go to Belgium to see if this has any chance at all. If not for that, then just for once chance to kiss her and show her how I really feel. I can never show her how I feel; every chance I try, something goes wrong. Mostly I think it's that she takes it up as me just worrying. Or sometimes she has something else to do, so she doesn't have time to let it sink in.
She says that she told her parents that I want to go there and they they would have to pay for some stuff, and somehow... I believe that, but my logic; and damn my logic, I fucking hate it; tells me that maybe she didn't show them how important it was. I just feel like I've given it my all and she's only given 70%. She will always be my everything, and she will always be of the same caliber of as my grandmother. My grandmother, the most important person I look up to in all the world died of heart complications several years ago, and I think I've done my crying for that. She was everything I had, and the only person in the world I looked up to with the most importance. Then came Leo. I put those two people above any other people in the world; they taught me so much, and I still find myself asking for their strength. I tell everyone that I'm going out for a jog late at night, but really I'm just taking time to look up at the stars and ask them for some help. To ask them to help be be strong. Now I suppose I will put Shana in the same place.
PLEASE don't misunderstand; I would love nothing more than to hear Shana's voice and have her tell me that everything is going to be oukay. That she loves me with all her heart and that we will make this work, no matter what we have to do.
Anyway, I do have this feeling that she's told her friends that I broke up with her, but I have this feeling that she left out many details. And left out what has been going on for me to even assume such a thing. I never broke up with her, for those of her friends that read this, because I know that there are a few of you. She just didn't give you the whole truth IF she told you that I broke up with her. If she didn't then, I'm sorry I had to be the one to say all of this, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't hound her about it. It's not her fault; though I do blame her for some of the things that happened, but I am also to blame for many things that happened. So it's not her fault, and it's not my fault. I love my Shana, more than anything in the world. She is my heart and soul. Stupidly... I will wait for the day that she returns. Until then; I will be what everyone expects of me.
If you're reading this Shana; I don't know what you're going to say or do; but I think you'll be mad that I shared personal things with friends. But if I don't have you; they are all I have. So please understand. And understand that I love you. I NEVER could say anything otherwise. these wings will always be close to my heart, because I would never decide that you weren't important to me. I love you my Adorable-Little-Snuggle-Bunny-cupcake-mini-muffin. Slap toesocks. ♥♥
To all of my friends, Grandmother and Leo. Allow me to be weak for a little while. I think I deserve that.
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Timmy... I don't know what to say. I know that no one will ever be able to fill the space she has in your heart, but your friends will always be around. If that is all from a neutral standpoint, then maybe she really is cut out to be famous. She has a lot to work on, but you do too. I sincerely hope she reads this, and changes her mind about things. You two were amazing together. And Natalie, who read over my shoulder says that, you two have proven her right and will perfectly fine. She said she told you both that you have two major down points in a relationship, and she says that this is the last one before you two idiots finally realize that you love each other to eternity, and you'll both be better for spending this little time apart. But she hopes you'll get back together within a few days.
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing person, Timmy and you'll rule the world; right? You don't have too much time to be sad anyway; but I can allow you to be weak. Just cry out what you need to and do as you always tell us. If that is something you really want... You can't let it go. You talk about wanting to stay together with her; but here, you've shown me that you're running. You can't do that. After you cry, you need to suck it up and chase after your girl. If nothing else then show her what dedication is. Show her what it means and what it's like to fight for something you believe in. If she doesn't acknowledge you for that, then I don't want to be her number 1 fan. I won't shun her or dislike her because we know better. You can not judge a person because of their actions at one point in time.
Natalie and I have faith in you. You will make in to Belgium and regardless of if she loves you or not; you will love her and you'll show her that.
ALWAYS here for you until destiny tears us apart;
Natalie & Kima.
Tch... Tim; this is Terra, and I'm going to do something I've wanted to do for a long time. Shut the fuck up and stop acting like you know everything. You don't know anything. You're an idiot and an asshole for even wanting to be weak. That's not the friend Leo had, and he would've slapped you if he knew that you WANTED to be weak even jsut for a second. That girl still loves you and I don't have to like her to see that. How do I know? What do you always say? "Did you ever feel like... You just knew something?" I feel it in my heart. She loves you still. Personally... I think it's something else, and if you weren't blinded by your own thoughts and selfish dreams, you would start to see other possibilites as well.
ReplyDeleteDid you ever think that MAYBE she has a little trouble opening up to that extent so someone? That maybe she is VERY sensitive to the fact that since she can manipulate people, that YOU have some of that power over her? Maybe she's afraid that you'll manipulate her and leave her in the dust when you've gotten what you needed from her. Maybe she's a little terrified of being vulnerable with you since you two got along. It could be that because; since she's not together with someone else and you two promised forever; she's NEVER experienced love like this so it's scary, and fear makes people back away from things. Don't be so quick to make us feel pity on you or her for something that is ENTIRELY up to you two. As Leo would say; "Stop being a bitch. You're just being weak so someone else will help you, but you won't go ahead and help yourself. You're worthless" And that's what you're doing. You want someone to come around and pat you on the back, hug you, and praise you. Fuck. You. You're not welcome in my home any longer until you quit this weak routine and be the boy that I knew, the boy that I loved. Fearless, ruthless, questioning, always thinking, ALWAYS having a back-up plan.
Tim; I know it hurts, but you've been through worse. I've put you through worse than this, and even thought I'm a part of that bad relationship history, your courageousness gave me the strength to try again for another relationship. We never got that chance and we won't. Ever. That girl was made for you, and you were made for her. Love is the hardest thing int he world to understand and if it's easy, it's not right. Go and get your girl, do whatever you have to do. She doesn't have to show you that she's willing to make the relationship start working, but I will give it to you; she does have to show some interest and give you the love you deserve in a relationship.
You have no time to be weak, Tim. As Kima said; you have a world to rule. And in reality; you don't have time to be weak if you want to be what everyone expects of you. I feel like you doing this, because you always tell someone else what the possible outcomes are and their only choices and it PISSES THEM OFF. But your choices are as follows:
1) You go and get your girl, show her what it means to love. Regardless of what she told her friends. It's not about them, it's about you two. They could hate you and you should still be capable of holding your relationship with her.
2) You become what is expected of you; and I expect that you quit the bullshit and tears, be a man and move on with your life. It wasn't in your plan, but I expect you to keep going to college and do all of your studying. I expect that if you're going to give up after a year and a half, you should just forget about it all, and do EVERYTHING else people expect of you.
You're not weak, and I already know what choice you'll pick. She's much too important to you and I feel it in my heart; you mean the world to her still. But since you're doing this you might start to fade in her heart. Don't let it happen. I didn't date a pussy. Get your ass in gear, and even if after you trying to get your girl; she doesn't want you; you will have the satisfaction of having tried. And no matter what; she will see how strong you are. She will see that you WILL rule the world, and then all of your dreams can come true.
ReplyDeleteDon't give up; Never give up. When your back is against the wall and all around you is something you can't beat... Break the wall down, and live to fight another day.
This girl still loves you. Remind her of that; even if she ridicules you. Even if she laughs at ALL of your attempts. She does need to show a little effort to the relationship, and I believe in her; even if I don't like her. I believe that she will see just how important and amazing you are, and she will welcome you back with open arms and a new, open heart. Just wait, and be patient. She'll tell you her own fears when she's read. You were ready and built for love. Your relationships hardened you for full commitment. But since she has never done that before it IS scary. Understand her feelings and let her ease into it. She might be distant now, but I bet she clings to you when you get distant. I don't think she likes how clingy you are; but secretly... I think she enjoys that a person looks up to her and enjoys her so much. But just back up a little and let her come to you a bit before you drown her in your love.
Lastly; again, quit being a bitch; you don't have time. Things get hard, that's how life is. If you think this is bad, you have another thing coming. She's just a girl, and although I understand that she's YOUR girl, and you LOVE her with all your heart, there will be others. You will always love her even if she doesn't love you, everyone will have to deal with that. But get strong boy. I'm not taking you back and you won't get into another relationship acting like this; so you better get tough and get your girl.
YOUR number 1 fan
Terra.