I think I'm leaving

I won't be posting here much anymore; I've lost all motivation, but I figure to all of those people who show up and read this that don't leave comments, you will know why I'm not posting anymore. I know that there's a few people who aren't following me who read this con a consistent basis, because my counter tells me so; so it's all for you; a goodbye.

Recently, I've been feeling fairly down and pretty broken because the love of my life has found other things to do. Before I go any further, I will not tolerate any badmouthing about her, I won't like if any of you say something like "You're better off without her"; I'm not. How do I know? Did you ever just know something? It's like that. I love her, I always will, nothing will ever change it.

To start; I'm somehow sure that she's told many of her friends about it, and they haven't even gotten the whole story so it looks like I'm the bad guy. That is not to say that she is the bad guy, but that she may have made me out to be the one who caused everything. I'll try to explain the entire situation as best I can, from a neutral standpoint. That is to say that, I don't know what she was thinking at any of these times, so I can not be completely accurate. I'll start from the present and work my way back.

Today, I sent her an e-mail saying how things have looked to me, how her actions and words have made me feel distant and how she seems to have done nothing to help it. Yes, it was a long distance relationship so it took so much more work to make it work. We kept this relationship moving, regardless of how slow or little, for a year and a half. The plan was becoming that I end up in Belgium with her so that we could take this relationship to the lengths we've talked and dreamed about. I started to doubt that it would happen about a month and a half ago, when it felt like she was losing interest in me. (Yes, it hurts to be writing this, I'm coming down to tears, but I don't know who else to tell than the people who are interested in my writing.) Anyway; last week she spent the week rushing up her outfits so that she could go to an expo in London. She spent the entire week sewing and working to make sure the outfits would get finished. For that, i commend her, that takes a lot of dedication. But whenever I would try to talk to her, the conversation; after no more than 20 minutes; came down to "I have to get back to sewing." So of course, what does that mean? I should leave her alone. The hint was pretty obvious. However, she did manage to have time to talk to other people throughout her sewing on IRC; which is a wonderful chat service by the way. She found time to talk to them concerning a game; MapleStory; although it was a private server so people were less restricted to what they could do, and it was a small community so it became easy to know everyone. She would find time to go play the game, even though it was just several minutes, but didn't have time to talk to me. Not to mention that since the beginning of this month and for many weeks further, she never spoke to me unless I initiated the conversation, and I have conversation logs to prove this.

Anyway; she went to the London Expo, and would've been gone this entire weekend. Not getting back until late Sunday. But then she decides to go on a tour of the UK with friends. Add that to the previous week of her barely talking to me, and the idea that she thinks about me, us, and the thought that she loves me, has become blurred a hefty amount. Is it too much to want to feel loved once in a while? To just get some attention to myself? Or does the attention I can get always have to be split between friends?

Before you all go on and start thinking she's to blame for everything; I do have many faults of my own. Although many of you may not know it, I have tremendous trust issues, 'specially when it comes to relationships. None of my relationships have ended on a positive note, and they were pretty much all ended with me being heartbroken because my other did something completely detestable and untrustworthy. Tie into that, the fact that my family doesn't trust me at all because I have a past of stealing. However no one seems to give you room to change, right? They expect what they want to because... I don't even know. My family has dreams and goals for me, and if I don't reach those, I become nothing, and get yelled at. So I've decided that maybe I should just be what everyone thinks I should be. I have a tenacious habit of speaking the truth, knowing people won't believe me, even if I do. What can I say; people don't like the truth when it comes from a bad guy, so the truth gets changed. I suppose I should go back to the way things were, and just lie. But change so much, and lie so hard that my lies become the truth. More on the subject at hand; I have felt that she has been dishonest with me on many occasions, I'd say half of them are justified while the others are just me being paranoid. But I know that it made her feel bad because I know what it feels like to not be trusted. I have a habit of being clingy when something benefits me; and because she was everything I wanted and needed at the time, I clung to her and she hates it when people get clingy. Something that changed, because she hated it so much is that; I used to stick to my words. What I mean by that is; I went EXACTLY by what was said, and would do whatever I had to do to do what was said but twist everything else so that it befitted me. I had to stop that because she hated it when I did that; it drove her insane and she would try to pick out what I would say and make me promise that I would do what she was expecting, not what I or she said.

I'm sure there are many more faults of mine, but since she can also read this, I think she'll make an appearance and say what those are.

She said she likes to manipulate people; so maybe I was just being manipulated. I don't know, but if that is what it took to feel good, then I don't care. Many months ago she used to sing to me. She would sing a particular song that would show me how much she cared. It showed me that she loved me. It was a time when she had no problem saying something like "I'm going to spend time with you today; no one else. So let's have fun!" She used to do things like that, although she wouldn't say those words, but I knew it because she literally spent all her time with me those days, there was no time for anyone else. Our love was at its peak in those times. We could've done anything and it didn't matter because we had each other. And all of you know; I'm a pain in the ass for promises. And she promised me so many things. So instead of being an asshole, and dismissing them or saying she won't hold up to them; I'll wait and see if they come true. She promised that we'll be together forever; in fact she was the first one to say that. So maybe this will work out somehow. You all know of the few months we were apart during the last summer, so maybe it'll be like that. Or maybe I'm holding on to false dreams. Well these dreams make me happy so I'll hold on to them for at long as I live. I love that girl. She could make me smile when I didn't want to. She could push the world out of view and move my vision to just her and I. I know she still cares to some point because she wouldn't have waited this long just for me to break it up, if she didn't love me. So I don't know what's going on in her head but if she was willing to still hold my hand and yell that she loves me from the highest points on the planet so everyone could hear, I'll stay open to that chance.

Shana was my inspiration for just about everything. She's the one who made me believe in impossibles. She made me realize that the world has something better to offer than bullshit and broken dreams. So in a way; yeah, I'm sort of begging for her to come back. But, that's not the right thing to do. I cause her so much trouble and it's because I'm afraid of her doing something that would cost us the relationship. But I know that staying in a relationship where you don't feel loved and you don't get any attention isn't one to stay in. I would still do anything for her, and I still want to go to Belgium to see if this has any chance at all. If not for that, then just for once chance to kiss her and show her how I really feel. I can never show her how I feel; every chance I try, something goes wrong. Mostly I think it's that she takes it up as me just worrying. Or sometimes she has something else to do, so she doesn't have time to let it sink in.

She says that she told her parents that I want to go there and they they would have to pay for some stuff, and somehow... I believe that, but my logic; and damn my logic, I fucking hate it; tells me that maybe she didn't show them how important it was. I just feel like I've given it my all and she's only given 70%. She will always be my everything, and she will always be of the same caliber of as my grandmother. My grandmother, the most important person I look up to in all the world died of heart complications several years ago, and I think I've done my crying for that. She was everything I had, and the only person in the world I looked up to with the most importance. Then came Leo. I put those two people above any other people in the world; they taught me so much, and I still find myself asking for their strength. I tell everyone that I'm going out for a jog late at night, but really I'm just taking time to look up at the stars and ask them for some help. To ask them to help be be strong. Now I suppose I will put Shana in the same place.
PLEASE don't misunderstand; I would love nothing more than to hear Shana's voice and have her tell me that everything is going to be oukay. That she loves me with all her heart and that we will make this work, no matter what we have to do.

Anyway, I do have this feeling that she's told her friends that I broke up with her, but I have this feeling that she left out many details. And left out what has been going on for me to even assume such a thing. I never broke up with her, for those of her friends that read this, because I know that there are a few of you. She just didn't give you the whole truth IF she told you that I broke up with her. If she didn't then, I'm sorry I had to be the one to say all of this, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't hound her about it. It's not her fault; though I do blame her for some of the things that happened, but I am also to blame for many things that happened. So it's not her fault, and it's not my fault. I love my Shana, more than anything in the world. She is my heart and soul. Stupidly... I will wait for the day that she returns. Until then; I will be what everyone expects of me.

If you're reading this Shana; I don't know what you're going to say or do; but I think you'll be mad that I shared personal things with friends. But if I don't have you; they are all I have. So please understand. And understand that I love you. I NEVER could say anything otherwise. these wings will always be close to my heart, because I would never decide that you weren't important to me. I love you my Adorable-Little-Snuggle-Bunny-cupcake-mini-muffin. Slap toesocks. ♥♥

To all of my friends, Grandmother and Leo. Allow me to be weak for a little while. I think I deserve that.

The world I see

In this world, when you get back news you asked to take a seat. Well I want you to stand. Stand against this trivial torment and these endless cycles of depression and murder. Murder leads to depression, depression leads to self doubt, self doubt leads to the doubt of others, and if you trust others, you're all alone. Needless to say it becomes easy to kill someone at that point.

Time x Happiness = Love

Give everything some time and you learn to love it. Take either happiness or time out of the equation and you can't reach it. So why not take some time, and spread some happiness so we can share the love?

It's inevitable that we shall fall, but do you have someone to catch you on the way down? Is there anything that we can do if we have no one? In this world, are you truly suppose to keep your friends close and your enemies closer? If so, could you become the enemies you hate? And if I'm destined to rule, what enemies am I suppose to be keeping close?

Do let it fool you; there are many topics but one point, reach out and grab it, and spin it back to me in the form of a question.

What do you know?

You know someone loves you when they let you watch them go about their daily tasks. You know they love you when even in pain, they do the little things you enjoy so much. You know someone loves you when even after you've forgotten, they tell you "I promised you this a while ago;"

It's the simple things in life we forget. I dare you to think of 10 simple things that you enjoy that someone special does for you. Right now; go think.

...
...

Done? Was one of them "just spending time with me"? It's something like that that makes me love her so much more. Sure we have our issues and our problems, but every couple does. The difference? We work through them a bit faster.

It's a bit odd to see us in our relationship; no one would understand how it works, but they'd see that we were disgustingly in love. I love the way that whenever I ask what she's doing, her reply is always "Loving you." We find ways to make each other smile even if we're pissed beyond reason, and it's that that I adore. She stands no more than 5' 10" and has no muscle, but she has heart. And she's always up to fight for what she deeply believes in. Even if it's making her boyfriend wear a skirt, or give a cat a boot to the head. I could go on about her forever; honestly. Should I talk about her smile, or the way she dresses?

She not only has heart but she's passionate about her work, whatever 'work' is considered to be at the time, whether it be sewing, fighting a monster in maplestory or dealing with her over protective, jealous, and attention-greedy boyfriend. ♥ It's bliss in these hours that we spend together, and even though it's only hours now; we've still got forever ahead of us.

What do I like most? I learned that today. I found out that even after the close to two years I've known her, I can still make her smile and laugh. I know that you're smiling now, Shana. (Just so you know who it's about) Even though the smile is more like a "Whatever, you're still a loser" -smile, or "Thanks for going off and telling everyone, jerk." -smile. I can't explain it, but to know that after so long, a person can still find true humor and happiness in things you do and say, makes other problems go away. You've never known bliss until you know that what you do makes another person smile; even if they are sick, they have a soar throat, they are constantly coughing IN THE MIDDLE OF READING ME A BOOK.

The entire world is ours to explore. Just trust me and take my hand, I'll take you wherever you want to go. I love you, Baby.

Let it be known

I LOVE YOU, SHANA.

-Soon to be fully described.

Terror

Have you ever felt like even though you have everything in the world, you have nothing at all? Like the universe is in the palm of your hand but it's a fragile, hollow glass ball. Do you hold on tighter as to not drop it to let it shatter, but risk cracking it? Or do you hold it gentle and risk it slipping through your fingers?

The world is a violent, horrid place where even the unimaginable is possible. Where even when you think you know something, you are guaranteed to know nothing at all. Physics states that because of gravity, objects are destined to fall towards the earth so long as they are within it's pull. What would it mean if one time, in front of the right person or group of people, an object fell... Up? Would it shatter everything we know and perceive as the limitations of our existence? I'd like to think so. But what if it was something even more simple that just shook the foundations of your soul? What if you came home one day to learn that the parent(s) [You choose], murdered and destroyed everything you own, when just hours easier they told you they love you and want nothing more than your happiness? What if you came home one day to find everything on fire, one that was started by your most trusted and valued friend? There was no pre-anything. No argument prior, no misunderstandings, nothing; pick a scenario and actually accept the possibility of it randomly happening. What would you do? How would you feel?

What if something completely precious to you vanished/left/went missing(In any form, depending on what it is) without any logical reason? How do you deal with it? What do you do?

Care to share your questions or thoughts? Please do in your comment~